My grandpop, as we called him, passed away on January 14, 2014. It's been almost two months, and it's been hard. There have been so many up's and down's. When I said "Grief is weird," I didn't actually know how weird it was until I started going through it. It's actually something my teacher told me when I was talking to her after my grandpop passed away. "Grief is weird." That's what she told me. She was right. Some days I'm fine. Some days I'm not. Almost every day I think of him.
My birthday was January 21, exactly a week after my grandpop passed away. It was hard, harder than I think I let on. It was a reminder that my grandpop didn't get to see me turn 18, wasn't going to get to see me graduate, wasn't going to get to see me leave for college. And it was hard. I'm crying as I write this, because it still hurts. I want him to be here. I want him to watch me grow up.
I know my grandmom always gets birthday presents ready in advance, but I was still unprepared when I read the card that came with my birthday present.
"Dear Gabrielle:
We love you very much, and
pray that your dreams will be
fulfilled as you walk with Jesus.
Love, Grandmom xo
&
Grandpop xo"
Just one sentence. And it brought me so much happiness and sadness all in one. Still signed "Grandmom xo & Grandpop xo" just as it had always been. I know the card was probably written before my grandpop was even in the hospital, but it was so hard yet so wonderful to read. I know that truly was what he wanted for me. He wanted me to know he loved me, and he wanted me to walk with Jesus.
I showed the card to my mom with tears in my eyes, but I didn't show anyone else in my family until January 23, after my grandpop's memorial service. The memorial service was much harder on me than I thought it was going to be; I think I had just not let myself think about the fact that he was really gone until that night. I cried through the whole thing. I cried afterwards. I cried when I got home. I held the birthday card close to my heart, wishing it was my grandpop instead. I showed my dad and my sister. And I cried. The words meant so much to me. I read them over and over again, and I cried.
February 22, I was at a youth retreat. I was outside in the field with a good friend, looking at the stars. We started talking about God's glory, and that led to talking about heaven. We started talking about her grandmother and my grandpop, and how exciting it's gonna be when we finally get to be there, not only with Jesus, but with our loved ones as well. My grandpop told everyone that when he got to heaven, he was just going to lay at Jesus' feet for a million years before he did anything else. I shared with my friend that it was so comforting to know that when I get to heaven, my grandpop is still gonna be right there at Jesus' feet. We talked about a lot of things that night, but I loved talking to her about heaven, about my grandpop, about how wonderful it's gonna be to see him again one day.
Last Tuesday, March 4, I walked into my mom's room to get something. I was on my way out when I saw something on her bed: my grandpop's belt. The one he wore all the time. It was so unexpected. I know that my mom was with my grandmom the day before and she had probably just given it to her, but I was still caught so off guard. I was home alone, and I just sat on my mom's bed and held his belt and cried. I will never see him wearing that belt again. I wanted him back. And it was hard.
On Thursday, which was March 6, I found out some incredible news about some of my financial need for college being provided. It was such a surprise; I literally was not expecting it at all. I found out while I was in the room with my mom, dad, and little brother. I cried happy tears for the first time in a long time. And that night, I found myself wanting my grandpop.
He is the reason I even looked into Columbia International University, the college I will be attending in the fall. He spoke so highly of it, and I trusted his opinion. One of the last things he told me before he passed away was, "Well, gal, thank you for going to CIU." And when I found out the good news, I found myself wanting to tell him, "Grandpop, it's really going to happen now! I'm really going to go!" and I couldn't. I'm sure he already knows, but it's different, and difficult, not actually being able to tell him. I know he was proud of me and my decisions, but I still wanted him. I wanted to be able to tell him, to see his face light up when he heard me tell him. And I couldn't. And it was hard.
So, grief is weird. And I'm still walking through it. I want my grandpop back so badly some days. I want to hear his voice and be able to listen to the advice he always had for me. But I'm so glad he's finally in heaven with his Father where he so longed to be. I'm so happy I'll get to see him again one day. I'm so happy he can finally see again, he can finally walk again, he is finally healthy again. I love my grandpop. I always have, and I always will. He was, and will continue to be, one of the biggest influences in my life. He left behind such an incredible legacy, and I am so honored to be a part of passing that legacy down to future generations.
